


The Chosen Path of Biscuitism

by Perafrost



Category: Religion & Lore - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Crack, Dank
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-15
Updated: 2015-05-15
Packaged: 2018-03-30 17:50:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3946024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Perafrost/pseuds/Perafrost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Weird sh*t happens when you're bored on the bus ride home :/</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Chosen Path of Biscuitism

Guys, I'm starting a religion of biscuits.  
If you're a true biscuit, you'll join me in finding true enlightenment through Biscuitism.   
It all started with A picture of blasters in Sovngarde.   
And someone asked "Are you dual wielding pistols?"   
And I said, and I quote "Those are blasters, you uncultured biscuit."  
His reaction: "EITHER WAY THEY DON'T BELONG"   
Someone new: What's the mod for the pisto...errrrrrr blasters?  
Me: Finally, someone who isn't an uncultured biscuit. Good to see cultured biscuits.  
It's official.  
Everyone's a biscuit.  
My friend Peter: You're a biscuit! And you're a biscuit! Everyone's a biscuit!  
Me: Biscuit Oprah.  
And now...I'm mixing everything with the word biscuit.  
"Talos the biscuit! Talos the unerring! Talos the unassailable! To you we give biscuits!  
We are but biscuits, writhing in the filth of our own gravy! While you have ascended from the dung of biscuitality, and now walk among the stars!  
But you were once biscuit! Aye! And as biscuit, you said, "Let me show you the power of Talos Stormbiscuit, Biscuit of the North, where my biscuits are long winter. I breathe now, in royalty, and reshape this gravy which is mine. I do this for you, Biscuit Legions, for I love you."  
Aye, love. Love! Even as biscuit, great Talos cherished us. For he saw in us, in each of us, the future of Biscuitism! The future of the 8 Biscuit Path!  
And there it is, friends! The ugly truth! We are the children of biscuit! Talos is the true god of biscuit! Ascended from dough, to rule the realm of gravy!  
The very idea is inconceivable to our Bread overlords! Sharing the gravy with us? With biscuit? Ha! They can barely tolerate our presence in the oven!  
Today, they take away your faith. But what of tomorrow? Does the bread take your homes? Your biscuitnesses? Your children? Your very lives?  
And what does the Biscuit Empire do? Nothing! Nay, worse than nothing! The Imperial Biscuit enforces the will of the Thalmoldy Biscuit! Against its own biscuits!!  
So rise up! Rise up, children of the Empire! Rise up, Stormbiscuits! Embrace the word of mighty Talos, he who is both Worldly Biscuit and Divine Gravy!  
For we are the children of biscuit! And we shall inherit both the Stovetops and the Oven! And we, not the Elves or their toadies, will rule Skybiscuit! Forever!  
Terrible and powerful Talos! We, your unworthy servants, give pepper! For only through your gravy and benevolence may we truly reach enlightenment!  
And deserve our pepper you do, for we are one! Ere you ascended and the Dough became Biscuit, you walked among us, great Talos, not as gravy, but as Biscuit!  
Trust in me, Oven! Trust in the words of Heimbiscuit! For I am the chosen of Talos! I alone have been anointed by the Biscuit to spread his holy word!


End file.
